Ever since I started this blog, I knew I would one day devote an entry to the surreal splendor that is Steven Seagal: LAWMAN because that's just the kind of impact it has had on my life. Honest to God, how many of you have known the world's best kept secret and haven't let on until now? The Beef and I discovered it while flipping through the channels in our hotel room in Ottawa and sat in muted wonder, for what eventually became two hours, at the sights unfolding before our eyes. I really can't even put into words the 'reality' of this reality show. I don't think Steven Seagal is a real man. Howwwww has no one publicly outed him as a man of the law before the creation of this show? Or maybe I am just not a die-hard Seagal worshipper and shouldn't be anywhere near as shocked by this as I am. But let's be real for a hot second, if Steven Seagal ever pulled you over or knocked on your door at 3 a.m. to deliver some unfortunate news... ? WHAT? I don't even. You may as well just strike me dead on the spot for a variety of reasons that I can't explain.
Unfortunately, that was the first and last time I will ever be privy to the ludicrous wonders of Steven Seagal's many passions as he was recently accused of sexual harassment and sex trafficking (that panda suddenly looks like it's weeping, doesn't it.) Seriously. I am having just the WORST day. I can only get out of my bed on one side, but it was the wronnnnng one today. (I definitely hijacked that from my FB status and I don't even care. You read it twice and you like it.) But innocent until proven guilty, Steven. Innocent until proven guilty. I may tune in another day.
Like I said, today has been a real fucking rotten sack of turd but there was one thing that managed to make me laugh until I had tears in my eyes and I believe it says a lot about me as a human being. Perusing through some gossip blogs, I came across a post about probably the most horrifyingly repulsive movie that will ever be made, The Human Centipede, and I wish I didn't have to say anything more about it than that, but what I'm leading up to requires a little context, so here goes:
themovieisaboutacrazeddoctorwhoattachesthreevictimstogethermouthtoanus
tocreateahumancentipede.
*EXHALE* Ew ew ew ew FREAKING EW. So, before knowing this, I entered the post to see what the hell it was about, and what people had to say about it, and came across this:
Commenter1: You know, if it's mouth to anus, the girl up front has it the best. She gets to like, eat food instead of shit.
Commenter2: But he [person in front is actually a man] has to deal with knowing what he's doing to the others. I couldn't eat.
Commenter3: Right? I have trouble taking a dump if there's someone in the stall next to me. Can't imagine the stress of pooping into someone's mouth.
HAHAHAHAHA. Literal 'lmao irl' happening here. I relate to the fears of public pooping, which is maybe why I find this so hilarious, but whatever. I don't feel I should ever have to justify the humour in this to anyone. Case in point, that is the best thing I will have read/heard all week long. Praise the Interwebz.
Anyway, I'm exhausted. I just want to curl into a ball and have Phil Collins sing me lullabies.
Photo via TVjab
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